Thursday, December 16, 2004

Never needed anybody, I never needed anybody, I never needed won't change now

I want to talk about how I have no friends. Of course I have lots of sort of friends, but my definition of a freind-friend is very different. I want someone who will tell me all their secrets, love me and trust me over everyone else, take a bullet for me, so on and so on. And no, I don't have anyone in my life even remotely close to this. And I think I know why. Because if I want a friend like this, I will have to be a friend of a similar nature in return, which is something I absolutely cannot do. Only recently have I figured out why this is. I am the kind of person who can never ever bare my soul to anyone else. Or even give someone else a watered down version of whats really happening with my life and in my head. I think this is because my ego is the size of the freakin Milky Way. All 100,000 light years across of it. I want everybody to think I'm perfect...not looks wise or whatever (although that would be great too), but in terms of having my life together. I watch Sex and the City all the time, and I'm so amazed that there can be friendships like that. Where you tell (a few) others everything. I mean if I were Charlotte and my marriage turned out to be a great big farce, I would never admit my gross judgement error to anyone. And when it became obvious to everyone that the edifice is clearly collapsing, I would act like I just didn't care and was totally okay with it.


Blogger Jenneferre said...

I have the same problem, but I think my issue is more with maintaining the friendship. I don't have the time to be calling people all the time (also, I hate the phone). IF all my friends were on msn and emailed more often, it would be a lot easier to stay in touch and plan to get together, but they are always unreachable, and I don't go beyond a very pathetic effort of reaching them, so then the friendship fades somewhat. I'm pretty ok with talking to people about most things, so i think i would be ok with telling someone I was very close to everything, but I'm not sure i can make the commitment to get that person in my life at the moment.

11:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I'm pretty good with the staying in touch part...actually I'm sort of trying to change, but I just can't talk about whats inside me. Looks like its going to be being bitter and living with my cats for me. And I really hate cats.

8:47 AM  
Blogger Jenneferre said...

I was lying in bed with my two cats recently, and I think I would be happy being a cat-lady. Sure somethign would be missing not having a man or whatever, but like, cats are cool. I would like to live with them.

1:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm like Jen. I'm totally up for the being open part of the friendship (I don't have a lot to hide), but I'm really really bad at keeping in touch with people. (I'm really weird about phoning people. I don't mind if they call me, but I HATE calling people.)

11:19 PM  

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