Sunday, May 22, 2005

I count the days to find, What was left behind...Only these names I clutch, Will lead me to my home...

I am one of those people who wants everything. At least when it comes to the big things in life. I suppose also when it comes to the little things in life, but having both the Kit Kat bar and the Twix bar really doesn't have dramatic consequences. Maybe on my weight and health in general, but I'm not worried about such things.

So anyway...wanting everything. In fact it is on this very idea that all of economics is predicated, but I digress. Now of course everybody wants everything, or at least as much as possible, but I think most people understand that this isn't realistic. I am not willing to let go of any option, ever. So maybe thats why I never turn anything down. Or maybe it isn't that I want everything...maybe I just can't decide. So indecision/wanting everything...the bottomline is that I have too much going on in my life right now. I can't come right out and tell some people/things/places in my life that I no longer need them around. Bcuz what if I tell them that and later discover that they were the secret to my happiness?

I think I would be so much happier if life could just go on like this forever and ever, bcuz I really don't feel like I'm ready to decide. About anything. The very idea of having a full time job fills me with dread. Especially the kind of jobs I am likely to get given my education. The idea of not doing anything is also bad. My parents would never let me do that bcuz they are two super overachivers who are doing so well and just can't understand that there can be people like me with so little direction. So my way of avoiding this impasse is to not even think about it.

So of course life is not that bad (or bad at all), bcuz I am so happy. I think the point here is that I'm still a child and cannot make adult decisions. What I need is like a personal trainer for my life. This trainer can make sure I go to the gym, eat right, make sure I apply for jobs, make sure I get enough sleep, and be my best friend. That would be awesome. Or I need to go to sleep now and wake up 10 years down the line when all these hard decisions will already have been made.


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